starting new

hey yall! so i think i am starting new. Things ahve been changing, some for good some not, but im rolling with things as they come. I have started smoking again, hoping that will help me graze less and in turn loose some weight. I have fallen more distant with ian, not in a i hate him and am trying to teach him a lession way, but in a we are just both not hanging out as much. I think we are truly becoming just friends. well fwb lol. I mean I do love him, but i know that he dosnt want a relationship now at all. other than friends. I know that if you look at it in a certain way, that he is just using me, but when it comes down to it i guess i would be using him too. I have physical needs and he fixes my emotional needs sometimes too. I know its not super great, well healthy for me, but u dont know as if i care now. I do need to get out and start dating again. I dont know how i will do that .. just go out or what, but I need to start over again. I need to focus on me or other things willl never come. I need to have nancy time. I want to get my stuff straight at work so I can move on. I want to help people. I want to be in human services within the company. BUt i need to keep my focus at work. I think it would be fun to take a trip, or move somewhere. but i have so much here ... reasons to stay. Im not sure. I just think it would be good for my spirit. I will be going on vacation soon tho, so I am trying to save money. I neeed to anyways because i have so many bills that i dont have the money to pay them. ok well i guess i need to stop rambling on and i should go .. idk do something. yay ok untill next time! xoxo

Feels like forever since Ive been over here even tho its been less than a week. I missed it but it was nice to be away for a bit. so, well... I did it! and i dont know about him anymore. glad we had that talk and i know it didnt really change anything for him accept how much he see's me but its changed for me. i have a new mind set and some times i love it yet others im not sure how i feel about it. I mean yes i love him but i think if i ever want anything out of him other than a friendship that i need to give him his space and let him work out the things he needs to work out. I mean, its just frustrating because he feels his head is on straight, which it is but i mean he is at a completely different mind set than i am now. he doesn't want anything but friends and maybe a bed buddy every now and then. which hey, with all the psychos around can you blame a guy? i mean really?!?!?!?! so yeah i am trying to get myself back. and hang out with friends i havent hung out with in a while and just be me again hanging out with everyone. im claiming my self back... or trying to lol ok well i got to go now ttyl!!!
xoxo

bored with a side of headache

hey yall! so, i have a headache. and i am bored. but i really have stuff to be doing. i think my headache is from the smell comming up when our furnace runs. the guy that is fixing it is here. and now it smells funny. ian said he would get out at 4 but now he says maybe 5. looking at my computer i realize that my battery is slowly dying... that sucks. it better not die on me till i get done doing my post. i just got my nails done and theu are pretty!!!! Tammy called earlyer and asked mom if it was ok if she brought over livi for a while. i m assuming that means that she has no sitter.... any who. i should prolly go get something for my headache. i havent had coffee today and no diet pills either... i should prolly get some cafeene... thats prolly what my headache is from. i might go walk the mall later... who knows... but ugh... its strange to me lthat all my friends are wither married, soon to be, has kids, or a combo of any of the previous sstated. its hard for many reasons... i mean if you have children, its hard, and you have to find a sitter or be quiet for naps or blahblah blah you all know kid stuff. but if your married or soon to be its tough for me too... its just poopie being the only "single" one of my close friends. oh caacaapeepeepoopoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok well i gotta leave now or ill die from this smell.

my vacation

so, i am on vacation now.... and i just got back from the gym. tryed to sleep but its harder without him. took a while to finally slip into slumber lastnight with out having his warmth and body to comfort me. its strange really, how this all came about. at first, just like him i didnt want a relationship. I was fresh out of one and he said he as the some, but she said other wise. "i love you" they would say with me sitting insilence next to him. what is wrong with me? how do i get myself in these situations? I have let myself fall inlove with him. the one who dosen't want anything other than a friend and some one to "chill with." Not that theres anything with loving some one, no. but its almost torture how things have gotten. I feel like he's my best friend. I can tell him anything. and i love that, but its hard when he talks about other girls. not just oh she's hot, whatever if she is she is. but like oh i want to "chill" with her (thats what ill call it) thats a diffrent story. now when him and i had talked about it, i was 'cool' with it. ( i think i just said that so i could still have him mostly to myself) but i dont know what i was thinking. it hurts, and i get jelious, but mostly it hurts. I love him tho, reguardless. I dont understand why sometimes but i do. And now i want the relationship that we so obviously have, but he dosen't. I know he has been hurt in the past and he dosnt want to be walked all over, but really i am the one who is getting more and more hurt here. I am not sure if he really see's that. so now i am starting to think, oh maybe he just has more fun with other people so maybe if i slowly stopped hanging out with him it will be ok, but when i am away from him for a while i miss him. I do love him. So then im still stuck wondering is my love for him greater than his love for me. I mean i love my girlfriends but i am not dating them or "chilling" with them. i just dont know, and sooner or later i will snap. i never know what to say to him though. we always just talk about our differences. but i just want for him to try a little towards my part. I always bend his way, do things he wants, and i am surprised sometimes how fun they are and i enjoy them. But i rarely see bending from him and when i do, i mostly hear complaints. now im not knocking him completely, he has been getting better. And again i am not asking for a wedding, proposal, or anything like that. I guess i dont know what i want. I have given up on thinking about it. I want to be loved, and respected. Cared for and wanted. And i want to feel all those things, and i want to be able to show some affection in public. now i am not asking for lovey dovey shit, just not to be asked to act like i didn't even come with you if anyone "unexpected" comes out. that kills me, makes me feel like i am only wanted when its convient for him. and that is the worst part of it all. Feeling like oh ill love you and show it only when its convient for me, only when another girl isn't around that i want to hang with. its not fair. but some part of me wont let me leave him. i don't want to loose him and its not fair.
I don't know what to do anymore. any help?

So here i sit, on the couch. watching some roller coaster show that has now turned into a water park show. I am watching it with Ian and his dad. Ian doubts that i will keep up on this blogging thing. I would like to think other wise. I cant believe that i am on vacation and its raining. what a ho hum vacation atmosphere. I'll have money on Thursday and then its m goal to try to get Ian to go to the Boston science museum. or maybe if he's lame ill just try to take someone else. I have to go somewhere on my vacation though, even if its here in Maine. Today once Ian gets his phone we are going to Devin's house and then taking a mini road trip to kenibunk so we can go get poppies. I kinda want to go bowling though. I think that would be fun. Does anyone who reads this have any ideas on what i should do? i have another vacation in june or july. But thats durring port-con. But i suppose my vacation is for a week and port-con is only three days. so i need ideas. Oh, on a completely different note i am very excited about megan and shawns wedding!!!! its going to be great and I know they love eachother very much and it will be great to say that they are finally married! I think even though they have fights, they still love eachother so much and that shows. they are so in love and ..... ok ill stop now. they are a very nice couple! ok well i have to get some food now sooooo i guess ill just post later.