my vacation

so, i am on vacation now.... and i just got back from the gym. tryed to sleep but its harder without him. took a while to finally slip into slumber lastnight with out having his warmth and body to comfort me. its strange really, how this all came about. at first, just like him i didnt want a relationship. I was fresh out of one and he said he as the some, but she said other wise. "i love you" they would say with me sitting insilence next to him. what is wrong with me? how do i get myself in these situations? I have let myself fall inlove with him. the one who dosen't want anything other than a friend and some one to "chill with." Not that theres anything with loving some one, no. but its almost torture how things have gotten. I feel like he's my best friend. I can tell him anything. and i love that, but its hard when he talks about other girls. not just oh she's hot, whatever if she is she is. but like oh i want to "chill" with her (thats what ill call it) thats a diffrent story. now when him and i had talked about it, i was 'cool' with it. ( i think i just said that so i could still have him mostly to myself) but i dont know what i was thinking. it hurts, and i get jelious, but mostly it hurts. I love him tho, reguardless. I dont understand why sometimes but i do. And now i want the relationship that we so obviously have, but he dosen't. I know he has been hurt in the past and he dosnt want to be walked all over, but really i am the one who is getting more and more hurt here. I am not sure if he really see's that. so now i am starting to think, oh maybe he just has more fun with other people so maybe if i slowly stopped hanging out with him it will be ok, but when i am away from him for a while i miss him. I do love him. So then im still stuck wondering is my love for him greater than his love for me. I mean i love my girlfriends but i am not dating them or "chilling" with them. i just dont know, and sooner or later i will snap. i never know what to say to him though. we always just talk about our differences. but i just want for him to try a little towards my part. I always bend his way, do things he wants, and i am surprised sometimes how fun they are and i enjoy them. But i rarely see bending from him and when i do, i mostly hear complaints. now im not knocking him completely, he has been getting better. And again i am not asking for a wedding, proposal, or anything like that. I guess i dont know what i want. I have given up on thinking about it. I want to be loved, and respected. Cared for and wanted. And i want to feel all those things, and i want to be able to show some affection in public. now i am not asking for lovey dovey shit, just not to be asked to act like i didn't even come with you if anyone "unexpected" comes out. that kills me, makes me feel like i am only wanted when its convient for him. and that is the worst part of it all. Feeling like oh ill love you and show it only when its convient for me, only when another girl isn't around that i want to hang with. its not fair. but some part of me wont let me leave him. i don't want to loose him and its not fair.
I don't know what to do anymore. any help?

So here i sit, on the couch. watching some roller coaster show that has now turned into a water park show. I am watching it with Ian and his dad. Ian doubts that i will keep up on this blogging thing. I would like to think other wise. I cant believe that i am on vacation and its raining. what a ho hum vacation atmosphere. I'll have money on Thursday and then its m goal to try to get Ian to go to the Boston science museum. or maybe if he's lame ill just try to take someone else. I have to go somewhere on my vacation though, even if its here in Maine. Today once Ian gets his phone we are going to Devin's house and then taking a mini road trip to kenibunk so we can go get poppies. I kinda want to go bowling though. I think that would be fun. Does anyone who reads this have any ideas on what i should do? i have another vacation in june or july. But thats durring port-con. But i suppose my vacation is for a week and port-con is only three days. so i need ideas. Oh, on a completely different note i am very excited about megan and shawns wedding!!!! its going to be great and I know they love eachother very much and it will be great to say that they are finally married! I think even though they have fights, they still love eachother so much and that shows. they are so in love and ..... ok ill stop now. they are a very nice couple! ok well i have to get some food now sooooo i guess ill just post later.